Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
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(runs into somebody at the grocery store I haven’t seen in awhile)
Them: oh my god hey what are you up to?
Me: … I’m grocery shopping. What does it look like?
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
she’s a 10 but Excel thinks she’s October
If Miley Cyrus really wanted to shock us at the VMAs, she’d show up in a burka covered in a snowsuit and slowly add more clothing each hour.
let’s hit the petting zoo and find out which animals are ticklish
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come me & my friend dale are at the park watching a priest use a crucifix to break up a fight between a raccoon & a telephone repairman?
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
Me, a kid: wonders how they get jelly into jelly donuts
Me, an adult: wonders why they don’t put vodka into jelly donuts
The only good comments section online is on recipes
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
[getting my picture taking with the sports team mascot]
“I know you’re not really an armadillo”
Why do people say “get well soon”?
Why don’t you want me to get well now?
HER: I hate you
ME: Hate is such a strong word
[cut to hate benching 300 lbs]
HATE: *whispering* I will be the strongest word ever
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I’m a seismologist.
Me: No way! Can you…
Date: Please don’t.
Me: …guess my height?
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
Discuss
My kids all went to bed without being asked so I’m interrogating them all to see who did what.
Eventually they’ll break.
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
EMT: [opens my shirt revealing bread covering my nipples] You faked cardiac arrest for this?
Me: Just say clear and make my grilled cheese.