When I sign an email “Yours” it’s not a term of endearment— it means this email is now yours I’m done with it get it away from me.
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DOCTOR: Does it hurt when I do this?
*takes you out several times then acts distant*
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Hello Twits.
How’m I going to 80’s montage myself out of this one?
If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
kidnappers: get in the car
me: i want to sit in front
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
Stay in school, kids.
No, I mean really. Don’t come home. We need a break.
Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
Thought I would never find true love until a beautiful woman stole my heart.
And my kidneys, and my corneas, and my lungs.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
[before sex]
her: can u put something on
me: sure
her: is that just the jeopardy theme song
me: no
her:
me: it’s the whole episode
I just saw a girl hang half her body out the window of her car to give someone the finger. She is my spirit animal.
I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law. My neighbor said ‘Are you going to help?’ I said ‘No, six should be enough.’
As a kid I was forced to deal with the feelings when my dad went to the store for cigarettes and came back every time.
Made a really scary jack-o-lantern this year.
Hoping for an even stronger cup of coffee, I just replaced the water in my coffee maker with coffee. Now we wait.
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
He held up my pants and said “Are you sure these are yours? They look small. You can fit in these??”
Judge: Not guilty. You’re free to go.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
[blind date]
HER: I’m a Nihilist
ME {trying to impress her}: Egypt is a beautiful country
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.