Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
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My family tried an “Unplugged Evening”, and that’s how we accidentally killed Nana
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
“What should we call this thing in the ocean that is land?”
How about island?
“Seems too obvious”
What if we pronounced it weird
“Perfect”
Homebuyers tip: Bring a little ball to the open house and place it on the floor. If it rolls on its own, then either the house is not level (bad) or the spirit of a young child haunts the property (depends).
Dude. It’s just a crayon. Don’t do anything drastic.
My fitness instructer keeps asking if I squat.
No Gary..I rent. I’m not a hobo.
Home is where the h…ell did I put my car keys?
The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.
DATING: Goodnight
ENGAGED: Sweet dreams
MARRIED: Is the car locked?
Life with teenagers is basically them sniffing out snacks from a mile away yet missing the odour lingering in their bedroom
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Honestly, Officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over had I known you were just going to criticize me
“How’d ya get that bruise on your cheek?”
*remembers dropping her phone on her face in bed*
Me: Street Fight
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
me: [performing autopsy] so I’ve been practicing my ventriloquism
assistant: now’s not the time
corpse: aw come on
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
[in a steel doomsday bunker]
FRIEND: I could use some kool-aid.
ME: No!
[something strikes the side of our bunker]
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
Gave a stranger my home address to pick something up that I’m selling online so looks like I’m getting dismembered for Christmas.
Ben Affleck works at Dunkin’ Donuts in their new #SuperBowl ad.
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
HAMLET:*Draws sword* How now! a rat??
*stabs curtain*
LORD POLONIUS: O, I am slain! This is the w’rst game of hideth and seeketh ev’r *dies*
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
What can you do when your in-laws give uncomfortably long hugs while greeting you?
Search their pockets. You might want to ask if they’re carrying anything sharp like knives or needles.
I know that now.
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
I’m perfectly fine with kissing frogs to find a prince…But I draw the line at kissing snakes.
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal