Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
You Might Also Like
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Happy Febuary everyone!
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
*walks down street*
*panties drop left and right*
*thinks, “shouldn’t have bought so many panties”*
*picks up panties*
*continues home*
One of the World’s Strongest Man events should be “Pulling apart two shopping carts that are stuck together.”
There are two types of people: Those who are always ten minutes early and those who think it only takes ten minutes to get anywhere, and they marry each other.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
now that a whole door ripped off an airplane and no one died they should let you roll down airplane windows so we can go back to smoking mid flight
date: [breaks 3 minute silence] “you dont have to use the chopsticks just to impress me”
me: [trying to pick up my beer] “i can do it”
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Ranch ice cream is why we can’t have nice things
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
[boxing gym]
*points at everything*
I’d hit that.
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
[evening drive]
3yo: daddy
me: yes sweetie
3yo: the moon is following us
me: *floors it*
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
If you’re wondering who the dumbest person in the world is, I put latte mug of tea in the microwave, but the mug was too tall, so I poured some tea out and tried to put the mug back in.
God making jellyfish: Let’s make this amazingly colored umbrella-shaped bell with trailing tentacles that glow in the dark
Jellyfish: But why am I not shaped like a star? The starfish looks so much cooler.
God: And we’ll name it jelly
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
All my mom’s plants die from being overwatered and that’s all you need to know about my childhood and why I’m like this.
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”