Break the ice when sending business emails by being the first to use a poop emoji
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A woman just told me I should leave twitter if I don’t have anything sensible to say.
She’s obviously a newbie.
I’m the kind of girl who won’t stop until you’re screaming your safeword.
Related: Your safeword’s the first 16 digits of your credit card.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Doctor: Your son is lactose intolerant
Me: Oh my god
[later that day]
Me [runs into field and punches a cow]: That’s for inventing milk
If your name is Otis you are either an adorable dog or the town drunk there is no in between
Cat 911: What’s your emergency?
Cat: I knocked everything off the tables now I’m scared!
Cat 911: Seriously?
Cat: No, LOL!
Cat 911: LOL!
Imagine falling for someone then finding out they drink their coffee one spoonful at a time like soup.
My 4yo niece: “You’re fat”
Me: “Santa died”
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
5-YEAR-OLD: mommy, what happens if I turn 100 years old?
MY WIFE: you get a special certificate from the president
5: what happens if I turn 150?
W: you die
Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Jesus Christ lmao
Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
“Oh really? Sorry, my emails have been acting funny lately”
They haven’t.
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
What idiot called it “being a werewolf” and not “having a beast infection?”
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
*gives date flowers*
Here. I murdered these plants for you.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
[plays harmonica] is this kissing?
[Advert for hiking]
Do you hate walking? Would you like to hate it even more?
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?