Me: *stumbles in front of boss at work*
Boss: haha have a nice trip, see you in the fall
Me: *takes 8 month vacation*![]()
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I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
This Lyft driver asked my spouse where he was from (Pennsylvania), then said, dead serious, “Y’all got a lotta werewolves up there?”
BREAKING NEWS: 23 injured while running with bulls. Authorities say injuries happened because folks were stupid enough to run… with bulls.
me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
This is a fact based meme 😏😂
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“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
“If you were a spy and having drinks at a spy bar, what would you want?”
“I could tell you, bud, I’d have tequila.”
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
My kid said he was gonna jump off the roof using a blanket as a parachute and I was like “That won’t work you idiot. Go get my umbrella”.
100,000 Americans signed a petition to have Justin Bieber deported back to Canada.
8 million Canadians signed a petition to prevent this.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
[coworkers chatting about me, to me]
cw 1: you’re such a goof!
me: hehe I’ll take it
cw 2: better than other things you can be called!
me: like?
cw 2: like… dumbass?
me: no one’s ever dared to call me that. I wouldn’t be the first if I were you.
cw 1 and 2:
me: good morning 🥰
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: *turns on garbage disposal*
Her: *starts talking to me*
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
I wonder if Mr. Potato Head gets emails letting him know there are hot Pringles in his area.
I once made 200 pairs of panties hit the ground at the same time.
Yeah I walked into a rack at Wal-Mart
Bruh 😭😭😭😭
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Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.