Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*

Me: I need to lose some weight.

Fries: Let’s do it together.

WIFE: Will he ever wake up?

DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it

W: i sold his pet hamster

ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE

I’ll never understand why people buy dogs from breeders when growing your own is free and far more rewarding.

My 5 year old memorized my phone number and I just figured out he gives it to everyone he encounters

I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.

Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please

Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store

Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please

remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???

13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me

Wife: Why are you so out of breath? You drove here.

Me: Yeah but I was listening to Slayer in the car.

Daughter: Mom! I’m bringing Carl home to meet you guys this weekend
Me: I should warn you, we’re going to be nude this weekend
Her: What??
Me: Yes, Friday to Sunday with no clothes
Her: Why?
Me: We want to be naked
Her: Why can’t you just admit you don’t like him
Me: So naked

Hey people who say “they’re not wrong!”: there is a word for “not wrong.”

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

FB is the Flanders of social media, Twitter is Moe.

I don’t use my hands when I change my tampon. I just sing a jaunty tune and the Disney birds come in and begrudgingly do it for me.

Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS

My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha

Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!

Me: We have to breakup.

An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.

37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.

“Four more years! Four more years! Four more years!” The parole board chants, as I enter my hearing. This was not a good sign.

[stepping out of time machine]

me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe

giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect

when you see my three typing dots linger there for a long time just know I’m fighting an epic battle with autocorrect

*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*

What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?

*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”

Sir this is a daycare…

“uh huh *winks* a daycare”

All I’m saying is people who don’t swear are fornicated up emotionally.

Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

Me: I just stepped in dog shit, isn’t that weird?
Her: Not really
Me: Ok, what if I told you I knew it was there?