me: [standing over a hot open fire at night]
10: this is nice dad
me: it is son [puts arm around him] yes it is.
10: but why are you burning all of our jeans?
me: we don’t need them anymore, son. jeans are a thing of the past now. [bites into a mozzarella stick]
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If your wife makes a comment and you ask “how is that my problem?” It just became your problem.
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Southerners don’t use contractions like “y’all” and “young’n” out of laziness. Most of us are just too poor to afford entire words.
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
You know how sharks die if they ever stop swimming?
It’s the same with my mother in law and talking.
My toddler told me to open my mouth and close my eyes and then proceeded to eat the surprise herself. She’s clearly ready for adulthood
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Who chose this font
All the girls I’ve ever kissed can agree on one thing. It’s weird that I have a beak.
I talk in my sleep according to my phone bill.
I’ve realized about a third of my life is spent trying to ignore the fact that I have to pee.
The lady next to me on the plane smells like she ate a bowl of grandmas for breakfast.
“That’s gonna drive me nuts” – peanut farmer showing off his new truck
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
[first time in a bed]
me: this blanket is really heavy
salesman: you’re supposed to lay on top of the mattress
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
Stop correcting my vodkabulary
I have three kids. I should be terrified of sex.
Get off my horse you stupid moon
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m stupid
“He covers himself in baby powder before we have sex”
HOW ELSE DO YOU MAKE A BABY, KAREN?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
😂😂😂
People who wake up perky:
1) whoa…that’s enough
2) see number 1
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
My neighbor across the street does yoga in her yard, I watch her through my guest room window, but I don’t use my binoculars because that would be creepy.
If someone ever intimidates you, remember that they’re 70% water. Are you scared of water? Well you should be. 400,000 people drown per year