Forgot I was sharing my screen and everyone saw my beanie babies inventory spreadsheet omg
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Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
Last night my dad stopped by in my dreams. He hugged me so tight and I hugged him back and sobbed. It’s been three years since I hugged him. I miss him so much.
I would never yell at my kids. In public. Without a good reason. More than three times in a row. Per child.
I make so many mistakes typing that my autocorrect is like, “Duck this shirt.”
People: cheer up, things could be worse
Anxiety: and here are some detailed scenarios how
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
It’s easy to watch movies on this plane! Just download our app, set your phone to airplane mode, turn on your wifi, select our wifi, go to our website, enter in the special key, add a photo of your driver’s license, enter your social security number twice, give us your first born.
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
*first and last day as a therapist *
patient: I have anxiety that there’s an intruder in my room
me: you’re not alone
patient: aaaahhhhhhh
FIRST PERSON TO USE AN IRON: This battle hammer does wonders for my enemies’ shirts!
Almost every branch of science has a pseudoscience associated with it: chemistry and alchemy, astronomy and astrology, math and economics…
Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
Moving sucks because you’re expected to trash stuff you have you forgot was important. Sure I haven’t worn this t-shirt in ten years but I wore it the night Bobby fell off a roof and I got laid. You’re robbing this of me for “closet space”.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
B: What? You aren’t doing anything
M: sorry I’m super high. What was the question?
Psychic: This card means you will become a king with a lot of diamonds.
Me: Aren’t these supposed to be tarot cards?
Psychic: This card means you will get out of jail free.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.
I need to update my racial profile.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.
Mary: What about that rad drum?
Little Drummer Boy: No
Mary: Get out
SCIENTIST: I want you to meet my robot
ME: Wow
SCIENTIST: He has limited functionality. He can’t hold a conversation or express emotion
ME: Ok
SCIENTIST: I was talking to the robot
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
I JUST CANT LOOK ITS KILLING ME
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
5: a hedgehog is just a mouse with rock ‘n roll hair