Horse girls and cat ladies get all the attention but what about crow women
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It costs nothing to be kind. But then again, it costs nothing to be a sociopath. So you see my dilemma.
I asked 5 why she threw her peas on the floor and she said “it wasn’t me it was my imaginary friend“ and I said “I didn’t know you had an imaginary friend” and she said “I don’t, I just thought of it when you got cross about the peas”
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
No Grandma, a brothel is not a soup kitchen.
If his selfie doesn’t make you kegal, you’re just not that into him.
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
All right stop, coagulate and thicken
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
[throwing a party]
I invited Judas. That okay?
“Judas from IT, or the guy who betrayed Jesu-”
*loud knock*
“It’s the Roman legion. Open up!”
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
If I’ve learned any thing from dogs and cats, it’s that you can rub your head on people when you want attention.
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists have discovered what may be the worlds largest bed sheet. More on that as it unfolds.
Judging by their knives, the Swiss Army is mostly bartenders.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
ME: [explaining to a class of students] The real reason sharks lose teeth so often is because they have a very bad memory
ZOOKEEPER: [into walkie-talkie] She’s back
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
I woke up at 3 am this morning to the sound of my burglar alarm
“Time to go out and rob some people!” I said