Hubs: Hey, throw toilet paper down the stairs.
Me: Oh, I thought this was going to be a sweet text…
Hubs: Throw some butt wiping paper downstairs with your delicately soft, feminine hands, please my goddess.
You Might Also Like
Executive: What should we name the mutant with neato magnetic powers?
Me: [clearly joking] How about Mag-Neato?
Exec: damn that’s so good
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
Ground control: he says he loves you very much
Mrs Major Tom: what’s he done this time?
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
We’ve been getting a meal kit service and 9yo has been gamely trying all of it, but the other day it was salmon, which I knew he’d never eat, so I made him chicken fingers from frozen instead. He was like “WOW, is this hello fresh? This is INCREDIBLE.”
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
The only time I complain about my husband being on his phone is when I’m not on mine.
I am in:
🔵 Kentucky
🔵 Texas
🔘 PantsFor the:
🔵 Fried Chicken
🔵 Chainsaw Massacre
🔘 First time in weeks
banned from gardening forum for saying “it was me” every time someone posted and said “help, something is eating my tomatoes”
me: hi i’ve come to pick up my suit
tailor: ok what name is it
me: i dunno maybe trevor the tux or something
librarian: that’s $34.92 in late fees
me: *whispers* waldo’s really hard to find
me as a new nurse trying to help out in a code
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
ME: I wish I had antlers
GENIE: You’d look pretty weird being the only one w/ antlers
M: Fine, I wish everyone had antlers
G: Oka-
M: But my antlers are demonstrably superior
G: You know you can wish for non-antler things
M: *Sees my awful neighbor Carl* I wish his antlers sucked
FOR SALE: air guitar, never played
I, too, enjoy McDonald’s sausage biscuits. We will dialogue further, you and I.
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
Why did the chemist’s pants keep falling down?
Because he had no acetol
Boss: It’s a make or break situation!
Me: I’ll take a break then tnx
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils