Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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Biden: Maybe we make our own country and he won’t be invited
Obama: Joe
Biden: And MAYBE THIS TIME WE CALL IT THE BLACK HOUSE RIGHT BARACK
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
assistant: sir, profits have decreased by 50%
shrink ray company CEO: excellent
The human mind is capable of things you can’t even imagine.
Which is a bit of a design flaw really.
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
He was looking for a job and then he found a job
I’d kill for a body like that BUT I WILL NOT EXERCISE FOR IT
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
sergeant: we drop in at 0800 hours.
me: HOOAH!!!
sergeant: and let me remind you these are highly trained insurgents this will be no picnic.
[places wicker basket back in locker]
me: *tearing up* ʰᵒᵒᵃʰ
12: Alexa is so annoying! I have to say everything 5 times before she does what I want her to do.
Me, looking at the full garbage that I asked my son to take out 4 times: I know the feeling.
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
Just got an email from dominoes said “easy and delicious” they sure know how to talk to a single guy!
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & i’m living for it LMFAO
My daughter reminded me that being older doesn’t mean I’m always right. Sometimes, I’ve just been wrong for longer.
I just thought of something. If there’s a Heaven, all the cavemen are there too
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
I just had the biggest bowel movement of my life then turned around and the toilet was empty. Needless to say I completely lost my shit
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
I love making pasta when I have a ton of dirty dishes in the sink. just dump that hot water in there when you’re done, and bam! you’ve got dinner and a set of totally clean dishes!
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]