@TheDjinnTrials

Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.

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@dafloydsta

FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT

@Greg_1_Leg

I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep

@ArfMeasures

CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?

ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure

*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*

@TheBoydP

*Goes to work*

*Punches clock*

*Gets fired for breaking clock*

@ScobeyWanKenobi

Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.

@PaperWash

Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?

EXCUSE ME?!

*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad

*snaps newspaper* that’s better

@Sinj1

#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane

@Marlebean

I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?

-Me, at Home Depot

@darinlovesbacon

I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments

@CroweJam

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.