@dafloydsta FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
@TheDjinnTrials Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
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@dafloydsta 
@Greg_1_Leg I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
@ArfMeasures CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
@TheBoydP *Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
@ScobeyWanKenobi Just once I’d like to yell, “Don’t you know who I am?!” because I’m important, not because I’m drunk and actually forgot.
@PaperWash Can I go out and do drugs tonight dad?
EXCUSE ME?!
*sighs* MAY I go out and do drugs tonight dad
*snaps newspaper* that’s better
@Sinj1 #ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
@Marlebean I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
@darinlovesbacon I once stayed in a motel that was so seedy, the Bible in the drawer only had 7 commandments
@CroweJam Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.