I’ve done hundreds of crossword puzzles over the years, but just this morning I noticed they provide clues.
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Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
[hospital]
“I’m afraid it’s bad news. Your husband will never walk again”
“Oh God, he’s paralysed?”
“No, someone’s bought him rollerblades”
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
“I don’t want no scrubs” a doctor says before she violates, like, a TON of health codes
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
If anyone needs some trash burned, I have an oil drum and an unsettling expression that might be a smile.
Don’t text and drive. Just pull over until you’re done using your phone. That’s what I do. I’ve been on the side of the road since 2011.
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
My cat, an idiot: Those ornaments look exactly like my toys. Why can’t I play with them?
Me, pinnacle of animals: That felt frog wearing a top hat is to celebrate The Lord
None of the parenting books prepare you for the moment your kid uses air quotes correctly for the first time.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“Hermit crab” describes me twice.
5: Mommy said I’m a big boy and can’t sleep in her bed anymore
Me [sleeping on couch] she’s right son
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
[fancy restaurant]
Me: do you have orange cat food?
Wife [whispers to waiter]: he means lasagna
If every day is a gift, I’d have to say today was a Fruitcake from Last Year Day.
Recycled, disappointing and held together by booze.
He died doing what he loved: almost crossing the street.
I asked my hairdresser which kind of cut would make me look good.
A powercut wasn’t the answer I was hoping for…
Husband: You don’t need to wear makeup, babe.
Me: (dressed as a witch) Thanks.
If her last two boyfriends died in mysterious car explosions, you may not want to heart-eyes emoji her friend’s selfie.