Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
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Me: Nothing has better sucking capability than a Dyson vacuum.
Dracula: You can’t be serious.
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
The next time there’s an awkward silence, try whispering, “Did you forget your line?”
“These are serious allegations”
You never hear about anyone making hilarious allegations.
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
Her: u have a choice its me or the megaphone
Me: fine
Her: good
Me: [puts megaphone directly to her ear] I THINK WE SHOULD SEE OTHER PEOPLE
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
I invented a breakfast calzone this morning, hashbrowns as the double crust with an omelette in the middle. So now I have to marry myself.
black phone good
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
trying to convince my straight friends it’s homophobic to not buy gay people presents during pride month
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
Not sure if I want buns of steel, or buns of cinnamon.
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Her: Let’s just keep this casual ok?
Me: *reverses baseball cap*
Hear me out. Cauliflower made out of pizza crust.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I’m foolish with money
“He used our life savings to buy a tiger”
YOU SAID YOU WANTED A CAT, KAREN
Amazon only lets you put 51 items in your cart and
A) that’s bullshit
B) I probably shouldn’t know this
My New Year’s Resolution is to walk for an hour every day. By April I’ll be far enough away that my family will never find me.