Somehow this viral tweet from my old account is even more relevant now than when I posted it nearly 3 years ago
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If boarding school taught me anything it’s how to get on planes and trains.
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
Parents are like “i don’t want my teen having sex” and i get it. I had sex as a teen and now every full moon I turn into a giant sex
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
I got fired from being the events coordinator at the local orphanage. I think it’s cause family day never really took off
*waits several days to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
*waits a week to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that
*waits a month to eat leftovers*
Wife: I was just going to eat that!
The automatic toilet flusher is taking away your rights!
whats wrong?
“the bills”
we need to cut costs
“any suggestions”
at least 3
[my backup singers] 🎶I think she’s talking abou-
“not now ladies”
Why is fried chicken the only food we can buy by the bucket?
Me: My eyes are up here
Picasso: I disagree
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
playboy: “apparently they just read it for the articles” [takes out all nude women]
every man on earth: “well this has back-fired massively”
[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
“We’ve got all the time in the world” said the dodo bird to the dinosaur.
At Dunkin Donuts-
8: Can I get choc. milk?
Me: We have that at home.
8: We have coffee at home too…
Me: WHO TAUGHT YOU LOGICAL THINKING?!
going to red lobster does anyone need any red lobsters
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
I am literally the only one at this baby shower who turned up with champagne & a coat hanger.
[invention of blue cheese]
“this cheese has gone off”
sell it
“but it’s gone mouldy”
I SAID SELL IT!
“fine”
& double the price
“are u ok?”
H: Well, the remote was definitely broken, so I went and bought a new one.
Me:
H: Oh, and it came with this 75″ television.
WTF
I had to start baking my own cakes and cookies because I’m no longer allowed in the bakery, in my defense I thought those were all samples.