[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
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The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night
Leaving restaurant: “That was lovely”
Outside: “Well, it was okay”
In car: “I mean, it wasn’t great”
Back home: “We won’t go there again”
Earlier today every man and his brother were talking to me at Home Depot and at first I thought maybe I was ovulating? Then I looked in the mirror and realized what was different. I brushed my hair this morning.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
Told someone what city I live in.
“Oh are you married to a doctor?”
“No. My husband is though.”
given that 14 was obsessed with garbage trucks as a toddler, you’d think he’d be better about throwing away his trash (more…)
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
When you’re born, they don’t tell you about challenges you’ll face or friends you’ll make. You’re a baby for chrissakes; it’d be stupid.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
INDIANA JONES: this belongs in a museum!
*11 people die*
INDIANA JONES: this was worth it
ME: I wish I could just go back to the good old day
FRIEND: don’t you mean good old days?
ME: no, I just had the one
I just saw a sign that said “if you can plan for a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and in my mind those two things are the same things
Oh rental car. Oh rental car. Your gas tank is not on the side I thought.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: disappointing people
professor x: I was expecting a much better answer
me: see?
My husband’s sole purpose in life is to have me explain the entire plot of a TV series while I’m trying to watch the last 20 minutes.
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?
[sinking in quicksand]
me: oh no
wife: we’ll be fine if we just remain still and wait for help
me: ok
[mambo no. 5 starts to play]
me: OH NO
I have been draining my waterbed since 1981.
If you fear that a giraffe has killed your wife and stolen her identity, these are the signs to look out for:
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two