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My phone died at the gym and I had to do the elliptical with zero entertainment like the pioneers did in the olden days.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
There is no “ea” in Tim.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
my uncle ben died but it wasn’t my fault, do i still have to fight crime?
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
Sex is like lasagna – there’s absolutely no reason for it to involve spinach in any form.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
My Ebola outbreak brings the CDC to the yard and they’re like, sir that’s just irritable bowel syndrome.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
I couldn’t believe it that my child seemed to be more receptive than normal when I asked her what she did at school yesterday. Happy to be asked even. Then she said.
“Things. We did things”
Me: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
Husband:
*3 hours, one x-ray and $156 later*
Doctor: You sprained your ankle, let’s bandage it up and ice it.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:
You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone
One time, I broke my iPhone
and for 2 days I had to tweet from my Macbook like a God-dammed homeless personI don’t like to talk about it
FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
Salesgirl: [handing me makeup samples] here are the freebies we promised you!
Me: [wearing my brand-new beekeeper’s suit] …oh
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first