I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
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once, at a girl scout event in the early 90s, my mom asked a girl what she wanted to be when she grew up & the girl responded “either a chef or a spy, so either way, i’m going to the CIA,” and it’s been 30 years and that’s still one of the best jokes i’ve ever heard in my life.
[Job interview]
“Under “skills” you have odd compliments.”
“You look like you’d have soft bones.
“Thank you?”
*eats nothing but junk food for 3 weeks straight*
OMG is bellyache a symptom?!
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
son: how did I get my name
me: *holds up baby name book*
son: ugh terrible
me: shut up ISBN 978-1910336526
Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
There’s a “Restore All” button on the paper shredder, right?
I just got catcalled by a construction worker. He said “hey hEY HEY THAT CEMENT ISNT DRY YET” I’m tired of being harassed like this.
Kid: Can I eat candy for breakfast?
Me: No of course not! Now finish your donuts.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.
That awkward moment when someone asks you “who do you like to listen to?” and you forget every band in history.
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
If your idea of an “Epic” deal is $5 off then we may have different interpretations of that word, Pottery Barn.
*my windows are foggy and my car is rocking in the McDonald’s parking lot but it’s just me inside eating Big Macs*
When cows do it, it’s Reverse Girlcow
[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
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*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
Angel: how will humans start out?
God: small and helpless
Angel: how will they end up?
God: big and helpless
Angel: in between?
God: totally clueless
Angel: what is your deal man?
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
girl in novel: hi my older brother who is 17 years old and popular, do you want breakfast ?
her brother: yes, remember when mom died when you were 4 and our dad is an alcoholic ?
My 8 year old daughter hasn’t stopped talking in 32 years
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal