me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
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Stop telling your kid “We’re leaving in 5 minutes.” They have no idea what that means. Nor do they care
Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
[dragging knife across my cheek] you should be so lucky to find my hair in your food
Wendy’s manager: you are very fired
“How do you normally handle criticism about your sarcasm?”
Oh, suuuuuuper well, homie.
masseuse: I can tell you hold a lot of tension in your shoulders. Do you sit at a desk all day?
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
[first date]
her: do u like dogs or cats better
me: [reading menu] what page are u on
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
My main beef with zombie films/shows is that nobody seems to have a sense of smell.
Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
“I want to emphasize this paragraph in my email, but putting it in italics doesn’t seem like enough so I’ll also underline it and put it in boldface, a different font and a different color.” -psychopaths
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
My goldfish died. The good news is I’m inheriting a tiny treasure chest.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
This could be us but you eatin’