People who like green: it’s a good color
People who like orange: it’s a good color
People who like purple: Purple is my life. I dress purple, I glow purple, I eat and drink purple. If you come into my house and insult purple, I will personally tear you limb from limb
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: We noticed a gap in your employment.
Me: Yes, that’s why I’m here. I need a job.
Interviewer: I’m sorry. Please come back when you already have a job.
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
I refuse to eat at restaurants that say kids are only free one day of the week. Imprisoning children is wrong.
Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
My favorite part of cleaning, cooking, laundry, school lines, sports practices, games, sleep regression and back and forth to appointments with my kids is when someone says how lucky I am not to work
I love how one day my body just decided “You know what you really need is some ear hair.”
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts
SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on
stephen king’s wife’s name is stephen queen
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
Maybe your jeans are distressed because you’re wearing them?
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
A survival horror where Mr. & Mrs. Potato Head blunder into a Five Guys
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
Following Prince Phillip’s passing, Prince Charles inherits the title Duke Of Edinburgh. Basically, it all shifts up one. For instance, I’m now my next door neighbour, Pauline Cathcart.
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
REASONS TO BRING BACK DRAGONS
• can cook your toast
• would be a warm and wholesome nap partner
• riding one + your cloak fluttering behind you is epic
• they can scream companionably with you
• if you’re losing an argument, your dragon can just eat the person
Trick your partner into thinking you’ve been to Costco by coming home with a canoe & a years supply of dishwasher tablets.
If you are between 8 -16 years old and not whiskey, you are annoying.
Me: why is my water bill always so high?
Me in shower:
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
While I totally believe ghosts exist, I seriously hope they don’t because I don’t want to go to the afterlife and meet someone that is like “oh when I was a ghost I watched you practice fake eating for an hour.”
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*