Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
You Might Also Like
If I was an outlaw in the Wild West, my face would be on unwanted posters
Anyone who says “Let’s all put our phones down and talk with each other,” is just running out of battery and needs a charge.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
[ on trial ]
me, whispering to my criminal defense lawyer: do you think the judge thinks I’m cute?
judge: we can all hear you
me: then I’d like an answer to the question
Before you fall in love with me, you should probably know that I will read the entire menu twice of a restaurant I’ve been to a hundred times only to order the same thing I always do…
INTERVIEWER: Do you have any hidden talents?
ME: I taught myself how to play piano
INTERVIEWER: By ear?
ME: No, just with my hands
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
“Teaching sex ed in school will only make kids want to have sex“ yeah right, I had math in school and it really made me wanna math hard all the time
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
My 8-year-old son told me my veins on the back of my legs are looking better, thus showing me he really knows how to compliment a woman.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
Not to brag but I’m an expert at using laundry to accessorize the living room
This time of year, I get sick of everyone writing an “X” instead of “Christ”. I think it’s time we all put the Christ back in Christ-box 360
Today was an exception because the bacon grease splattered me in the eye while I was frying, so naturally I had to eat more bacon than usual because vengeance. But yes, I generally stop at a pound per meal.
Parents: It’s unfair to put your toddler on a leash if you’re not going to also let them pee next to parked cars.
His tongue explored the hole, probing deeper and deeper until she just couldn’t take it any more.
‘Would you just eat your donut already?!?’
Me to boyfriend: You didn’t take the trash out.
Trash to boyfriend: You took me out last night. *lights cig* Didn’t you tell her about us?
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Phonetics
Just great—woke up on a park bench, missing a kidney.
Again.
Third time this week.
When the sonographer says your ovaries look like the dark side of the moon, that’s good, right?
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Windows: “You may be the victim of software counterfeiting”
no Microsoft,it is you who is the victim of software counterfeiting here, not I
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*