Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If any Disney execs are reading this, call me. I’ve got an idea for another Star Wars spin off. It’s called Paul Darth, Maul Cop.

i hate people that say “it’s too early to be eating that” WHAT TIME DO A STOMACH OPEN?

Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste

I find joy in the small things now, like a pair of cardinals at the bird feeder or seeing my douchehole neighbor trip over his garden hose.

[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*

The fact that he hasn’t texted back in a week, only tells me he is madly in love with me.

*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*

“All of everything is about balance,” she says juggling three chainsaws, five flaming bowling balls, & a chicken named Englebert.

[holding an acorn]

“do you still love me?”

Wife yells outside-
“that’s not even the same squirrel as yesterday!”

“Shaddup you!”

I do not delete bad tweets that get no stars… I let them sit there and think about what they’ve done…

I had a terrible dream that monsters came out from under the bed at night and ate up all the pecan pie. I woke up screaming MY PIE

if you were born before 1996 you are a millennial

if you were born after 2005 you are gen z

if you were born in between then you are an honorary member of the black eyed peas

What idiot called them Key & Peele instead of Jo-key.

My high school aptitude test offered me one career option: dictionary editor

With all the typos in my tweets, I bet that test feels so stupid right now

[Job interview]

Employer: please explain the gap on your resume

Me: what…they were hiring

*Watching TV*

Hmmm, I should read more

*Turns on subtitles*

DMV Lady: Do you want to retake your photo? You look mad.

Me: I am mad.

DMV Lady: But you’ll look mad on here for 5 years.

Me: I will still be mad in 5 years.

Me: Let’s go outside & make love in the rain.

Her: What if there’s lightning?

Me: Then you get to be on top…

My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.

me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?

5:

me:

5: we say thank you

NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.

*buys a bunch of stuff at Costco*

Sir, you wanna box for those?

“Nah, I hate violence. Can I just pay cash?”

*waits to answer so he misses me*

(5 seconds later) okay, that’s long enough

Met a guy from Iraq today who grew a full beard as I was meeting him.

Apostrophes are important.

“I fed the dog”

“I f’ed the dog”

Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.

Fact: If you blast hiphop at a shallot, it becomes a rapscallion.

At my funeral I want a dozen white doves released. Then shot down. Then buried with me. It’ll be confusing af. Can’t wait.

Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?

The worst part about getting arrested by a motorcycle cop is having to hug him from behind all the way back to the precinct.

lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake