Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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If you’ve figured out one woman then you’ve figured out one woman
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
When my kids requested a song in the car, I jokingly said, “Sure OR… stay with me, Mommy could sing it for you!”
I may never emotionally recover from their critique 😭
The CDC website had a recipe for a quarantine cocktail made with vodka. It doesn’t taste very good but goddamn it gets your hands clean.
Hello 911.
“He’s back what do I do?”
Brent?
“Yes”
It’s the just the mailman remember
“Ok, sorry.”
Bye
“Wait, he put something in my mailbo
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
God: where’s your horn
Unicorn: i sold it for drugs
God: throw this fucken horse in jail–the invention of zebras
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.
Every pillow in the house becomes a throw pillow when my kids piss me off.
Someone please tell me this is for something other than a baby conference/infant symposium
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
Does anyone know the difference between an elk and a deer?
Cos I think I just ran over a cyclist.
RANGER: watch out for wolves
ME: oh ya?
RANGER: so relentless-
[wolf runs up w/ bible] HAVE U HEARD ABOUT OUR LORD & SAVIOR JESUS CHRIST
“what does your tattoo mean” i had money and nobody stopped me
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Senator Clinton, what will you do now?
Hillary: Divorce Bill.
I believe that there is a radio station called WPMN, Worst Possible Music Network, and they are always playing it in the locker room at my gym.
The year is 2030: All corporations have merged and every night before bed you say a prayer to your cable company.