Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
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YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
Keep your friend’s clothes in your enemy’s toaster.
One day your kids will come home from school and ask why you spelled their name wrong.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
ME: *looks up from tarot card* So is Death laughing at a smoldering corpse a good thing?
PSYCHIC: *wide-eyed* At this point, I don’t know.
I was mowing with earbuds. My mom pulls up. I motion I can’t hear. She gives OK sign and proceeds to motion by thumping her chest. Pointing to her house and puts up 9 fingers. Idk wtf is happening. She gets mad and speeds off. Cause ya know, it’s my fault obviously.
[planning heist]
Me: We’ll need the element of surprise.
Neil deGrasse Tyson: [appears] Actually, such an element does not exist. Hi, I’m Ne
Stopped the microwave at 0:01 AND stopped the gas pump at an even $50.00!
*Adds Bomb Squad Specialist to resume.
NO CONDOM FOREVER! or whatever tf black panther said
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
St. Peter: “Spock?”
Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”
St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
I’m dealing with my anger issues one chicken wing at a time.
me in high school: oh my god I missed two hairs on my legs, I am an abomination
me today: the bug spray has lemongrass and peppermint in it so it doubles as perfume
*files a restraining order against reality*
6: I hate corona virus!
Me: When it’s over you’ll have to wake up early to get to school on time.
6: I DON’T WANT IT TO BE OVER!
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
There’s magic in the air and it’s called Wifi.
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.
Basically every plane is missing to me. I couldn’t tell you where a single plane is
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide