*files a restraining order against reality*
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Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
Very good news from my accountant
When I’m inevitably murdered, my loved ones won’t say I always lit up a room, but instead “She kinda deserved it” and “I’m honestly surprised this didn’t happen sooner”
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
My safe word is Worcestershire
I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
*doctor looks up*
I’m afraid you have forgetting about 80’s bands disease
“Oh god what’s The Cure?”
*doctor sighs*
It’s worse than I thought
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
I tell my kids winning isn’t everything and then I steal money from the monopoly bank.
friend: you watch anything good lately?
me: yeah a documentary about this serial killer that lured children into his house and killed them in elaborate ways
friend: who
me: William Wonka
As my mother-in-law and I fight to the death for her son’s love, I sometimes think to myself, “This may be the worst prize ever.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
I have normal fears like everyone else, like spiders and snakes and the fear that someone is gonna inject me with heroin and I’ll immediately become an addict at no fault of my own and end up living on the streets. Ya know, regular stuff.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
My two-year olds have reached the age where they can remember when I’ve told them that we’ll do something “later” and I don’t want to overstate it but I’m pretty sure this is the worst thing that’s ever happened to me.
I’m never going to tweet again. Guilty tweets have got no algorithm.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Dentist: Any sensitivities?
Me: I don’t like being called names
Dentist: I meant your teeth, dummy
Me: *tearing up* Dude
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.
Me: Our kids are finally at an age where we can sleep in on week-
Youth sports: Let me stop you right there.
Just so you know, I joined Twitter, because it was either this or a street-gang.