Therapist: It’s all “me me me”. Try to think of others instead
Me: I’ll try[Later]
Me *to murderer* no PLEASE don’t kill uh Paul Rudd
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Starbucks? Yes I’d like a tepid mug of milk froth please. My name’s Adam, but you can call me Aldin.
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
Spice up grocery lists for your partner:
Im so thirsty- juice
Make my mop wet- shampoo
I only moo for you- you get the idea
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
date: so you work from home
long armed steve: technically yes
How much does it cost to keep chickens?
About a buckahhhh week
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
Me: I’m gonna put a note in our son’s lunchbox
Wife: Aw that’s nice
[Later]
Son *reading* sorry I ate your sandwich
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Geesh you avoid someone for 6 months and right away they assume you ghosted them.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
I wonder if those Gmail password hackers know how much my dog hates having to learn a new name.
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Sorry I ate all your cake after you passed out and then drew your angry eyebrows on so you’d be ready to discuss it when you woke up.
Calm on the outside. Screaming goat on the inside.
ME: please don’t be mad
GETAWAY DRIVER: what’s wrong
ME: i left my phone in there
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
we went from “will there be dinner” to “will there be doors” on this flight in record speed
Feels
“I’d hit that if I was drunk.” – Me, driving by a mailbox just now.
ME: *pleased* Honey, I folded the dishes.
WIFE:
M:
W: The laundry.
M: No the dish…
W:
M:
W: What?
M: We need new dishes.
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.