I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
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What rhymes with “hug me”?
Chutney.
[buying food when i’m full]: I need but half a carrot and a thimble of cottage cheese in my pantry
[buying food when hungry]: give me 8 jars of lard. bring me a cow
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
A new study found the safest city to travel to is Tokyo, Japan. Unless, of course, you’re a dolphin.
Apparently even if you delete the drunk text messages you sent last night from your phone, the other person can still see them.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
If you ever see a movie where a woman is depressed and she has shaved legs that movie is bullshit.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
[Office]
*Dolphin accidentally dials fax numberFax:EEphkEekakischchEEek
Dolphin:Well, I don’t normally do this. But yes I’m free tonight
Luke is so old now he just uses the Force to keep the neighborhood kids off his lawn
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.
You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.
-puzzle pieces breaking up
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
[ IDEA ]
An alarm clock where Samuel Jackson just keeps yelling at you until you get up
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
Life hack:
When a police officer is asking you to touch your index finger to your nose, pretend your nose is a snooze button at 5AM.
catch me on valentine’s day like
Customer is always right
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
Hello my name is Morgan and I used to think lingerie was just a fancy way to say laundry
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now