Interviewer: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?”
Me: “That depends.”
Interviewer: “On?”
Me: “If I get this job.”
Interviewer: “Alright then, let’s say you get this job.”
Me: “Great, no take backs!”
Interviewer: “Shit, no I me…ahh, you’re good, ok. You start tomorrow.”
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Dumped girl on The Bachelor: “What’s wrong with me?”
Well, Lindsay, you’re on a TV show to find a husband. What ISN’T wrong with you?
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.
Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎
the 1000 IQ baby who kills itself at 1 year old
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
[Pulls away from kissing]
So you do want me to interview for the cat juggling job?
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
#MakeAFilmUncomfortable The Godfather – With Benefits
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
Pixar: How did you get past security?
Me: *out of breath* I have such a good name for a Ratatouille sequel, Rata-
Pixar, sighing: Rata2ille?
Me: -touille 2 oh man yours is so good
I miss the old days when street gangs asserted their dominance through aggressive hair combing.
Don’t you hate it when you’re planning someone’s funeral, and they ruin it by coming into the room and talking to you?
Anyone else’s phone make a retching noise when you unlock it with face ID?
At the end of first grade, my teacher said “your handwriting was pretty good, at the beginning of the year” and that is how I learned about backhanded compliments
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Jan 1st: Avocado on whole grain toast with a protein shake
Jan 20th: Syrup comes from a tree so technically it’s a vegetable
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
I love the new #ObiWanKenobi poster but I also realized it totally works as a Tums ad.
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.