When older people say, “Enjoy them while they are young.”
They are talking about your knees and hips not your kids.
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“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
ME: wow your correct
FRIEND: *you’re
ME: -ions are presumptuous
Let’s play doctor. You tell me about your chronic pain, and I’ll stare at a laptop the whole time, then recommend you lose weight.
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
It’s only a matter of time before one of you people’s tweets are used against you in a murder trial
No one is more optimistic than a woman who straightens her hair in 90% humidity
Hubs: I think we should buy a new camper.
Me: What’s the matter with you? You’re just gonna say that right in front of my phone?
*Facebook timeline turns into solid camper ads*
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
Kinda hungry but my bowels still haven’t figured out what to do about yesterday.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
feeling dizzy
highly recommended, many stars
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
tired of age gap discourse. now let’s do vibes gap discourse, where one person in a couple lights up a room and the other is basically a sim
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
If u want to sound smart just make up coding languages. Like “yeah I know DeltaCube, 17v and Amorph,” literally nobody will know theyre fake
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
Just opened a collision repair
shop called “Auto Correct.”
Im going out tonight with my new friends, dont wait up!
*runs into the sunset with a pack of wild squirrels*
A game married people play.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
me 2 months after i graduated
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
Modeled nude for an art class today at my local college. They didn’t ask, I just felt like it.
“What colour would you call this?”
“Fawn”
“What colour would you call this, o wise and beautiful identifier of colours?”
Me: What are we doing for Valentine’s Day?
My Husband: Raising three kids
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.