me 2 months after i graduated
You Might Also Like
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
What did Harry Potter say when he was filling up his car?
Expensive Petroleum.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
I’m a man of conviction, but no jail time.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
[Commercial for condoms]
*a baby cries*
NARRATOR: Condoms
[GOD CREATING BEES]
G: Super important
A: k
G: And their spit tastes delicious.
A….k
G: But they’re so *clenches fists* angry
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
They were right. I woke up this morning to find my house ransacked. My private belongings were tossed everywhere. My electronics are missing. Legos are everywhere, even in my personal office. There’s a pair of tiny blue Crocs by the door. Oh god they’re storming the bedroo-
I texted my ex,
I’m at a cemetery…..
wish you were here.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
[on Wheel of Fortune]
Puzzle- Phrase:
OPE__ MOU__H I__SER__ FOO__Me: (with bank of $15,250) I’d like to solve the puzzle!!
Pat Sajak: Go Ahead, Darla.
Me: OPEN MOUTH INSERT FOOD
Buzzer: *beeps*
Studio audience: *groans*
4-year-old: We’re playing Star Wars. I’m a Jedi and Mom is a stormtrooper.
Me: What am I?
4-year-old: In the way.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
Me: nice car
Friend: yeah 400 horsepower
Me: that’s like 7000 ducks
Friend: what
Me: what
My tall sister took the vodka out of the cupboards above the fridge.
I always thought those doors were just there for decoration.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.