2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
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If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
I love the word placebo, but it lacks something
Me: Gouda would pair nicely with this merlot!
Priest: This is communion…
M: Oh. Gouda would taste well with the blood of Chr-
P: Leave.
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
Sure sex is great, but have you said that perfect comeback at the exact best time instead of thinking about it two weeks later in the shower?
Merry Christmas
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why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
my ex-girlfriend walks by with her new man and he’s talking loudly about muskrats. I used to talk loudly about muskrats
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
I like long walks along the beach until the drugs wear off & I realize I’m actually crawling through the sand at the local construction site
me: just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean the illuminati haven’t targeted you and replaced all your workout gear with slightly smaller sizes to make you look like you haven’t been taking your diet seriously
personal trainer: *just glares*
John Hammond: omg all the systems in Jurassic Park are down, give me advice
Ray: fine well you probably shouldn’t have opened this place. Actually I think your wife left because-
John Hammond: TECHNICAL ADVICE
me: lol THAT’S your sword?
enemy: this blade can cut through steel
me: [confidently] I’m not even made out of steel you idiot
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
Doing my civic duty by ensuring that my students know the difference between “lose” and “loose.”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
An elderly Lady apologized for blocking the aisle at the store. I said “don’t even worry about it,” to which she replied, “oh yeah, cause I was reeeeeally worried about it.”
Guys, I think I just saw future me.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
BOSS: quit listening to Vanilla Ice, participate in the meeting, and pay attention
ME: so… stop, collaborate, and listen?
BOSS: you’re fired
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
Lmao at people who ‘play Devil’s advocate’ like Lucifer doesn’t already own all the lawyers.
I always thought a fortress was a female fort.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
I bet the kids who TP’d my yard last night and didn’t know that toilet paper was on my grocery list, feel pretty stupid right about now
Inventor of sleeve tattoos: What if shirts hurt?
Body: All done?
Brain: All done.
Body: goodnight
Brain: goodnight
Body:
Brain:Brain: Flintstone tiptoed a lot for a big dude