2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
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don’t suffer in silence. make it everyone’s problem.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
[Rock Paper Scissors]
Rock: As if a scrap of paper could hurt me.
*Paper unfolds itself, revealing a message*
YOUR PARENTS NEVER LOVED YOU
College Math: Your kid lives in a dorm room the size of a matchbox. When she moves home, her belongings fill every inch of an entire house. How is it possible? Calculator allowed. Show your work.
Police: How are you feeling?
Me: I’m fine.
*polygraph explodes*
The morning after pill, but for tweets
this is the most terrifying thing a parent has ever made for their child
Apparently there is a bird fight club who holds their meetings outside my window at about 5am
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Mom [holding newborn baby]: Let’s name the baby after my grandfather
Dad: What would be the point of naming him after your grandfather already did
Me: Hey Alexa, why does my bellybutton smell like-
Alexa: OHMYGOD WHEN ARE YOU GOING BACK TO THE OFFICE
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
Just dropped my kids off for the first day of school! Granted, it doesn’t start for 3 wks, but I left them w/ plenty of granola bars & H20.
Back in my day, ketchup only came in glass bottles. I’m grateful for the life lessons it taught me; most problems can easily be solved with patience or a knife.
Angel: So you ended your beef with the humans?
God: Yup. It’s all water over the bridge now.
Angel: You mean “under the bridge” right?
God:
Angel:
God: Get Noah on the line.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
What do you text your spouse?
The one time I order underwear from amazon, and they deliver it to the wrong house. Guess I’ll finally get to meet the neighbors
cop: you were driving 30 mph under the speed limit
me: my in-laws are staying with us for a while, longer the commute the better
cop: you need to maintain the speed limit
me: *knocks book out of cops hands*
cop: are you trying to get arrested
me: yes please
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Have kids so you can answer questions like, “Are numbers letters?” and “How old was I when I was 3?”
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Yes, I put a semicolon in a tweet. What else am I supposed to do with my English degree?
My husband met us at the park and surprised me with a large iced coffee and I didn’t have the heart to tell him I just had a large iced coffee so now I’m vibrating and going to piss myself
every once in a while one of these nerds really swings for the fences
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
