My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
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Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
Friend: Whatcha up to?
Me: Just chewing my toenails.
Friend: Gross! But congrats on the flexibility.
Me: *reaching into bowl* Flexibility?
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
To my followers in Florida in the path of the hurricane: Remember to keep your phone charged. These tweets don’t “like” themselves.
Bouncy balls are super fun if you love to play with something very briefly, then spend 45 minutes looking for it in a shrub.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
You can’t fix stupid but you can divorce it
best thing i have overheard in a long time just happened.
dude 1: “man, if you haven’tve texted me, i was gonna to bed at like 9.”
dude 2: “yea, i was actually hoping you wouldn’t respond so that i could go to bed.”
both: “well…. shit.”
I tried being the bigger person but all it got me was type 2 diabetes.
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
[late to work]
boss: well ??
me: (panicking) uhh my car got stuck in the suez canal
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Before you make fun of older folks, just remember we know where ALL the bathrooms are
Do furries go to doctors or vets?
Me: ‘Can I offer you something to drink?’
Waiter: ‘I’m sorry?’
Me: ‘I know, it’s weird right? Now you try.’
[doctors]
“How long have I got?”
“Not long. Two, three months”
[casually places apple on desk]
“Ok, ok, six. Just get that out of here!”
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Who called him Spider-Man and not Netflix?
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
*sings lullaby*
In the jungle,the mighty jungle,the lion sleeps tonight
If you get up from your bed again, the lion eats your legs
Wimoway..
Me: [raises hand to hail cab]
*Catches random touchdown pass