Texting wasn’t always easy. In my day, you had to work for it. You had to want it. You need an S? You better click that 7 button FOUR TIMES.
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Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
When parallel parking, I turn down the radio so I can hear the sound of my car crunching the other car’s bumper.
a group of crows is a murder
a group of crows spaced evenly between two margins is a justified murder
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
The platypus is the hotdog of the animal kingdom. All the leftovers were thrown together, and people just accepted it.
After my upteenth gentle attempt to express my disinterest in the subject matter:
“pardon me, but what sequence of words can I use to end this conversation?” “
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
When I go jogging, I listen to a portable CD player, so people think I’ve been running for 10 years.
We were at the mall and I saw a guy with an eye patch, my wife grabbed my arm and dragged me away before I could ask him if he had a wooden leg.
One thing about me, I’m a clear communicator
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
Hey, does anyone know how to stop eating chips?
I don’t trust people with glasses, they could be superman
Wife: Sometimes women like bad boys.
Me: Well I just replaced real garlic in this recipe with powdered garlic.
Wife: *fans herself*
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Me: I’ve gone my whole life without having any hearing problems.
Middle age: Hold my beer.
Me: What?
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
normalize having existential bread
Your call is important to us. Please continue to hold until your battery is dead.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep