Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
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I just ran a .003048K
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
[voice recognition in car]
Car: “please say a command”
Me: “call Tim”
Car: “calling Sarah Marcogliese”
Morpheus: If you take the red pill, I will show you what the Matrix is.
Neo: *ingests pill* Whoa.
Morpheus: It’s also a powerful laxative.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
1996: My loneliness is killin’ me
2020: That’s cute.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Imagine falling in love with someone and then they make a chicken pot pie without a bottom crust.
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
tis the season
Nobody in this grocery store thinks I’m a good bowler. Also, clean up in aisle four.
when your local library starts subtly sowing the seeds of anarchy
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Pisces all day: Pisces at 3am:
Crazy how Jeff Bezos could’ve ended world hunger but instead he chose to cheat on his wife, which cost even more
I have obtained an authentic audio recording of the two girls who work at the vegan ice cream place saying I “always pick the perfect toppings” and “look too handsome to be lactose intolerant”.
The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
inflation so bad pets are getting jobs
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
Me: Another one, barkeep! I’m not driving!
Bartender: *warily makes me a third ice cream sundae*
[at Chinese restaurant]
“Hi I’ll have a large goingon”-What is goingon?
“Nothing much, just hungry for some Chinese food”
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Kudos to NPH for keeping it brief. #Oscars
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent