The worst thing about marriage is how it makes you start snoring. I never snored when I was single…
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[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Bugs Bunny turns 75 today. Now when he says “What’s up, Doc?” he’s legitimately concerned.
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
Your kids paranoid there’s a monster under their bed? Have I got a holiday for you.
Introducing – Paragraphica! 📡📷
A camera that takes photos using location data. It describes the place you are at and then converts it into an AI-generated “photo”.See more here:
or try to take your own photo here:
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Biden: Told Trump about Carter’s ghost in the West Wing
Obama: Carter is still alive
Biden: He doesn’t know that
Hello this is ur pilot speaking
We almost began our descent but my copilot said “turn down for what” so
looks like we r rerouting to Cancun
Me: The best thing about the day after a birthday is having cake for breakfast.
Kids: YAY! CAKE FOR BREAKFAST!
Me: I didn’t mean for you.
[pushing my son in his stroller]
Stranger: awww aren’t you adorable! how old are you?
Me: 35
Stranger: I was talking to him
Me: He doesn’t know how old I am.
Me: *crying* B-but… but you said…
Waiter: *sigh* “Unlimited” breadsticks, I know ma’am, but we’re closing now & you have to go
Hey Canada…you can take your weather back.
Sorry isn’t going to cut it this time.
I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
me [sliding my therapist 20$]: so what’s my problem, doctor?
therapist [loudly]: you’re just too good at sex, unbelievably good
hot ikea salesman: ok firstly you can’t do this here, secondly what
Do people who go to stores on Black Friday know that if you anger your entire family, you don’t have to buy holiday gifts?
Does your wife know you met your soulmate here three times last month?
Forgot to get McDonald’s after my son’s dr appt to take back to school with him and now CPS just kicked down my door
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
(me, five months after an argument with my boyfriend)
And another thing!