I wanted to cook alligator for tonight’s dinner,
but then I remembered that I only have a croc pot.#RubbishJokes #DadJokes #AmazingFacts
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I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
I’m delighted we’ll soon see a dog again in the White House, but look forward to the day when there will finally be a cat in there. Who’ll then want to be outside the White House, and twenty minutes later, back inside the White House again.
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
waiter: any water for the table
me: [to date] does he not know trees die when you cut them down or
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
The only thing worse than sitting down on a cold toilet seat is sitting down on a warm toilet seat.
The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for
I enjoy April Fool’s Day because I like responding to fake pregnancy announcement texts with “no wonder you’ve been looking chubby”.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
The young witch sat atop her brand new Roomba and flew into the air.
*bumps into tree*
*turns*
*bumps into stop sign*
*turns*
When people come into my office and complain, I’ve started gently pushing things off my desk while maintaining eye contact. You’d be amazed at how much shorter the conversations are.
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
*leper colony removes ‘A Farewell to Arms’ from it’s ‘suggested reading list’
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness
me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
#IsStrangerThanStrangerThings
A groundhog taking the wheel
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
The UPS person who always found Wile E. Coyote in the middle of the desert for same day deliveries is the real hero.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.