i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
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guess who just got fired. the big man at merriam webster didnt like me sneaking in my own ideas for words. not very pompsh of them. not very pompsh at hocklorp
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
Potty training my twins is like the Titanic’s maiden voyage… In the beginning we are excited, in the end everyone is crying and all wet.
Gmail: Please sign in again for your safety.
Chrome: oh wait, I remember the password, never mind.
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Hippocrates did very well for himself,
considering he was named after cages for a large mammal.
me looking at the supermarket camera after eating a grape
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
*Me coming home after a frustrating day*
Grandmother: *sensing I could use a win* How about those…upped dogs, eh?
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.
They say you should dress for the job you want then send you home as “the stormtrooper suit is not appropriate work attire”
My son just choked on food laughing, and I’m torn between being concerned and marvelling that one of my jokes almost literally killed someone.
Hair pulling during sex is hot unless the whole wig comes off.
I just got super defensive to my phone when i was cheating on the times crossword
I was like “hey! Maybe i just wanted to know who the protagonist of clan of the cave was for an entirely different reason!”
[getting mugged]
ME: *leans in for a kiss*
MUGGER: *slowly backs away*
ME: haha this is so us
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Jesus watching Shrek: They really should call this Donkey.
Me: *gesturing at the kids* We should start thinking about protection
Wife: They’re too young to be talking about birth control
M: I was thinking more along the lines of an exorcism
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
My head feels like something Picasso would have drawn.
Wait what do you mean Jesus loves me? Did he say something to you? OMG I’m freaking out right now tell me his exact words.
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
If they force me back to the office then they better be ready for the lifestyle I’ve grown accustomed to which is loudly singing the encanto soundtrack that I do not know the words to