Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
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i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
Dating for me is like wearing cashmere, I think I can handle it, and then a few hours later I’m like, “Get it off of me!!!”
WAR ON XMAS BATTLE LOG:
•DAY 6
-Ate a load bearing wall in the gingerbread house.
[Barnes and Noble]
CASHIER: anything else?
ME: four barns and your finest noble please
CASHIER: get out
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
What’s a moderation, and how do I drink in one?
If you’re dying, and have recently lost your car keys, take the opportunity, as your life flashes before your eyes, to try to spot them!
No matter how powerless you feel, just think to yourself, one single pubic hair off of your body can shut down an entire restaurant.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Twitter can teach you a lot of lessons. Grammar is not one of them.
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
Roses are red
Violets are blue…
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
[How salad was created]
You know, it would taste better if there was more of us.
– Single piece of lettuce
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
There’s nothing more realistic in this world than a 26 year old couple on a house hunting tv show with a $1 million budget.
In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”