In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit


Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.


“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”


1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.


The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.


Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.


[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too


Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy


date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?