@DartsBofficial

In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.

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@IvoryGazelle

do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit

@weinerdog4life

Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.

@Brentweets

“Sir how did you survive the snowmageddon?”
“I stayed in”
“Oh”

@XplodingUnicorn

1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*

Me: Why is she so loud?

Wife: That’s how she talks.

Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.

@Rollinintheseat

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

@girlontapas

Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…

So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.

@dragonsorbet

[2 months into relationship]

HER: you’ve changed

ME: [proudly] showered, too

@pruherazade

Me: *wakes up*

My body: whoa whoa whoa show down there cowboy

@Browtweaten

date: I wrote a book on lions

me: *mouthful of pasta* wouldn’t paper have been easier?