If you have twin girls and don’t dress them like in “The Shining” and make them stand in hallways, you’ve squandered a precious gift.
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Civil War reenactments are a lot like meetings. You do the same thing over and over again while waiting for your turn to die.
me: want to help me save the bees this weekend?
her: sure!
[later]
her: uhhh, this isn’t what i thought it would be
me: *pauses reading the bible to a beehive* what do you mean
An inchworm is just a centipede that didn’t make the switch to the metric system.
[heaven]
god: you have 8 more left. be careful this time ok.
cat: *licking paw* you’re the one who said sharks were fish
I’ll be so mad if I get reincarnated as me
A fun way to make someone self conscious, is to put a nose hair trimmer in their grocery cart while maintaing full eye contact with them.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
How come I can get free wifi with a $3 cup of coffee but I can’t get it with a $150 hotel room?
My wife yelled from upstairs and asked, “Do you ever get a shooting pain across your body, like someone’s got a voodoo doll of you and they’re stabbing it?”
I replied “No…”
She responded: “How about now?”
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
It’s not a War on Christmas til the first 12 foot skeleton is spotted choking out an inflatable Santa, you weirdos
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
“THE YOGURT HAD MY GOD DAMN NAME ON IT, NANCY.”
I went to the local art museum, I really enjoyed it and took lots of pictures.
But unfortunately I’m now banned until I bring them back.
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Isn’t anyone here that can fake a football convo like me:
“He’s showing signs of improving”
“He’s a beast”
“He just has to keep those interceptions low”
“It’s been a wild season”
“Yeah they’re so stacked”
“Yeah that offensive line”
Lol I don’t know shit about football.
How much chocolate is too much chocolate before it is technically no longer a salad?
People are so weird about ventriloquy my gyno hates it
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Marriage is an institution. So is the mental hospital.
40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Sneezed so hard I think I pulled an ovary
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Started my new healthy diet today. Breakfast is 2 almonds, I lick an apple for lunch, and dinner is yelling at a picture of myself naked.
Carol got out of the car with a box of donuts, so helped her carry them in, who said chivalry is dead.