If I were a DJ I would just play true crime podcasts.
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Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
Me: *pulls the spider web off my face* ugh gross
Spider: *very hungry* dammit
Roses are red
violets are blue
celery is green
bees are black and yellow
please help me I can’t stop
pumpkins are orange
satan is vermillion
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Thanks, autocorrect. Now all my friends think I’m inviting them over for a Halloween-themed Texas Chainsaw Massage
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
I don’t know what happened but the entire pan of brownies is gone and I only had 4,500 slivers.
There is no “we” in pizza
Me: This spaghetti is spicy.
Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel
A spring loaded coffin can really put the fun back in funeral.
I just passed a beer truck on the highway.
“Wait a minute. I’m named after beer?!!?”
-My 6 yr old son, Miller
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
Me: Which cup do you want?
2-year-old: That one!
Me: Let’s pick a different one.
2-year-old: No!
*drinks milk from a shot glass*
PSYCHOLOGIST: [holding up inkblot] wat do u see
ME: a outdated discredited method with no scientific backing
PSYCHOLOGIST: [starts sweating]
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
[honeymoon in paris]
her: look there’s the eiffel towerme: *eyes narrowing* I thought you said you’d never been here before
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
The flight attendant has said “..and one in the rear” 3 times now and I’m Paul. I’m 12 years old.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
[plant facts!!]
bananas are technically berries
almonds are seeds
avocados are mammals
most cucumbers are haunted
potatoes aren’t even real
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I ate a piece of chocolate and thought I found a crumb of it on my laptop keyboard and ate it but it was a bug so that wasn’t ideal.