All my small talk is done with a car horn.
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[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
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Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
Have some fun with your life: before practicing your Kegals in a supermarket line, insert a squeaky toy and watch for people’s reactions
I wonder if delilah is still ghosting that guy
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
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9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
My living will specifies that if I’m ever on life support nobody pulls the plug until I reach my goal weight
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Not a big conspiracy theory guy but I’m convinced that Nature Valley Crunchy Granola Bars are made by Dyson.
Sasquatch is just a regular quatch who tells it like it is.
Recipe for homemade charcoal:
1. Put dinner in the oven.
2. Sit down to check one quick thing on the internet…
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
Paul Walker *dies driving*
Adam Driver *on sidewalk* oh no
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
7yr old: What’s 10+10+10+25+25+5+1+1?
Me: Math
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
6YO said she’ll never be able to appreciate winter, cause snow on the bushes reminds her of cauliflower
Contrary to what Mario Kart led me to believe, banana peels aren’t an effective way to get rid of tailgaters.
On a side note, do you realize how much they’re getting for littering tickets these days???
Me: Sometimes I think I have more imaginary conversations than real ones.
Scarlett Johansson: That’s very interesting.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Food FACT: Omelette takeaway restaurants were very popular in biblical times. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.