He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
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[breakfast]
Her: Ugh. Dropped an egg.
Me: You could just say you’re ovulating, you know.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
[being carried away by a colony of ants] haha nice let’s see where this goes
Golf is a great way to learn all of the new curse words your subconscious has been cooking up in the lab.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
Do yourself a favour: get a dog. Before I got a dog I was ridiculed for walking around with a bag of shit
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
Thank god my mom keeps forwarding emails on how best to clean and what foods to stock during the pandemic. I haven’t eaten or bathed since I left her house 19 years ago.
Please enter new password
Me: Candy123
Password shouldn’t be similar to previous password
We recommend this password
J:$aBhh?/@‘c,2.”1f3&,0LP?!477F.91$uMe: Candy123!
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
A lot of people don’t know this but Hotel sheets aren’t tucked in tight. It’s actually the bed bugs playing a lil game of tug of war with you
Knuckle tats:
(I)(M)(H)(U)(N)(G)(R)(Y)
interview tip #86
be honest when asked about yourself
[later]
interviewer: so tell me about yourself
me: not without my lawyer present
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
My son asked if a punch bowl is where you keep the names of people you want to punch.
I usually keep them in my head, but storing them in decorative crystal seems really classy.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
*me looking at a police lineup*
Number 3 is cute. OMG Is he single? Give him my number! What? Oh. Right. Five. Number 5 killed my grandpa.
Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Having an older dog means ten seconds after you drop a piece of food, you have to drop an even bigger piece of food so they can find it.
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
I watched a woman clean her whole house on YouTube today, in case you thought I lacked ambition.
Husband: “Let me use your phone a minute.”
Me: (Feeds phone to a pelican)
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?