I want a job waking people up that I dislike.
Or I guess I could just get married
You Might Also Like
WIFE: You’re not going to the costume party dressed like that!
ME: DONALD DUCK DOESN’T WEAR PANTS, BRENDA!!
WAITER: Ready to order?
ME: First, I’d like to hear the chef’s special
WAITER: Oh yes he’s very special
[chef in background sheds a tear]
So sick of seeing all these tweets about how white people can’t handle spicy food. Every morning I have a lightly buttered crumpet with a side of avocado and I’m so used to it now that it hardly even burns my lips anymore.
Waiter *looks at empty chair opposite me* are you waiting for a friend?
Me: Yes *lowers voice* is this how you get one?
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
Day one back at school and my daughter coughed and I told her if she does that again she’s grounded
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
[at work]
CW: Hey, I found your Twi…
Me: *jumps out window*
CW: …Twinkies.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
In space, no one can hear your spouse chew.
I bought a bag of M&M’s and they don’t have M’s anymore. They all have W’s… for woke
RIP to the iPod. Kids today will never know the glory of having these all listed as different artists
Death Cab for Cutie
Death cab for cutie
Death Cab For Cutie
Death Cab for Cu…
The perfect Christmas lights display doesn’t exi……..
“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches
Wife just found out my ring tone for her is “ding dong the witch is dead” so if anyone wants to race to Canada READY SET GO
[Home after awful day at work, my dog greets me]
Me: At least somebody’s happy to see me!
Dog: *shakes head, pulls banana from pocket*
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
“Mommy! We made pancakes!” and other terrifying things unsupervised children say.
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
*falls on hard times*
Hard times: Get off me.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
I just remembered the time I went on a first date to London Zoo and at the gate he asked if I would mind paying for my own ticket, which I said I would, at which point he pulled out a 2-for-1 voucher, so I paid for my ticket and he went in for free.