*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
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HOLD YOUR HORSES. TELL YOUR HORSES YOU LOVE THEM. DONT BE TOO STRICT WITH YOUR HORSES OR THEY’LL DATE OLDER HORSES GET TATTOOS & HAVE PONIES
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
Absolutely noone:
Americans: I took French at school but all I can remember is fromage.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
If they tweet about you, establish dominance by retweeting them.
*car isn’t exactly where I thought I parked it*
Someone stole my car.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
I threw a ball for my dog.
Extravagant, I know.
But he looks amazing in a tuxedo.
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
yeah i got a gym membership. its called life. watch me lift this big ass rock. now im gonna do 20 reps of pretending im a beautiful bird
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
[couples therapy]
ME: She thinks I make bad decisions
WIFE: He traded our car for a skateboard
THERAPIST: *writing notes* This guy rules
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
Jesus, don’t take the wheel. Give me your keys. Sober up.
*hands cup of water*
DON’T TURN THAT INTO WINE AGAIN
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.