At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
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Silence is golden! Unless you have a toddler, then silence is very, very suspicious.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[gets invited to a party where kids are welcome]
*me to my baby goat* This is your moment to shine!
Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
[pearly gates]
Pete:
Me:
Pete:
Me: was it my browser history?
Pete: wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Burglars broke into Kanye West’s home. As a result, 500 statues of Kanye West are missing.
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
Please, keep trying unsuccessfully to suck the snot back up in your nose instead of using a tissue. Everyone loves the noise you’re making.
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
It’s weird that on this date in Back to the Future they didn’t show people incessantly posting about Back to the Future.
My new year’s resolution is 1920 × 1080.
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
[first/last day working at an Italian restaurant]
CUSTOMER: what types of pasta do you have?
ME: we have spaghetti, vermicelli, rigatoni, enrico palazzo, falsetto, versace and fellatio
sin harder.
romantic comedies are like “he didn’t realize he had feelings for his best friend until she took off her glasses”
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
[son’s football game]
Other dad: which one’s yours?
Me: I can’t remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over
One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
I worked as a ticket runner during the Oakland Raiders football season. I’d get a text,
“I’m wearing a silver hat, silver jacket; I’m at the bar.”
It was the most challenging game of “Where’s Waldo?” I ever played.