sin harder.
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I thought white noise was the sound of people complaining at Starbucks.
Bird seed is amazing. I sprinkled some on the garden and when I checked 10 minutes later lots of new little birds had already sprung up.
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
“Try it, it’s so good!”
“Come on, man. Just a taste.”
“I’m having some. Mmmm.”
“Trust me.”Feeding my 2yo makes me feel like a drug dealer.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
Every day I’m hoping is the day we find out why Beth from FB had enough but didn’t want to talk about it.
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
I’m at my most superstitious when there’s no wood in sight so I knock on paper three times. Hey, it’s made from trees and I don’t want to jinx myself.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
[dating site message]
So is that blank silhouette in your profile a recent blank silhouette?
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
DICKENS: I’ve got writers block… I’ll have a martini, Bob.
BARTENDER: Olive or twist?
DICKENS: *looks into camera*
Allow me to slip into something more out the window.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
Just met a baby named Herbert. Weird, right? Reached his little baby hand across the bus aisle and goes, “Hi, I’m a baby. A baby Herbert.”
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
My grandmother found my original Strawberry Shortcake doll from the 80s and it still smells delicious and I’m wondering what kind of chemical warfare substance N perfume they put on these dolls back in the day that it has lasted for so long.
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
“Hello, my little friend.”
“Um, hi.”
“See that lady holding the camera?”
“Yeah?”
“She leaves for work in an hour.”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
[texting]
-have a good day
You two!
*to
Ugh *tpp
Arghh *yoo
DAMMIT *two
shit *TOO
YOU TOO
There! 🙂-please stop texting me
Ha! You two!
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.