Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
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I was bored waiting for my doctor in the exam room but I had fun watching him trying to find the tongue depressor jar I hid.
sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
*animal dies in a movie*
this is the saddest thing I’ve ever seen*robot dies in a movie*
omg why am I crying it’s just a robot*human dies in a movie*
yes yes kill them all
Mermaids: Can’t live with them, can’t beat them in a potato sack race.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
As a man I’ll never know the what the pain of child birth feels like. But I’m guessing the pain of stubbing your toes has to be really close.
*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
You only live once – you should try to spend as much time on the computer as possible. After you die, you won’t have access to it any more
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
WIFE: It’s always best to overdress on your 1st day of work
ME: Ok
[later]
ME: You wanted to see me?
BOSS: It’s about your suit of armor
[Satanic ritual]
Leader [pinching the bridge of his nose]: what is this
Me: the sacrifice
Leader: they’re cupcakes
Me: YEAH, BARRY, DEVIL’S FOOD AND I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW I SACRIFICED MY ENTIRE DAY TO MAKE THEM
ME: I wish my enemies’ hair had nerve endings
GENIE: dude
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Him: Hello, I’m Special Agent Johnson.
Me: Well, somebody has a high opinion of himself.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.
Parenting during the month of May has gotten so overwhelming that I’m trying to think of a minimally-invasive surgery I could schedule to get a few days of downtime
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.