*takes chip clip off Funyuns bag*
*bites into Funyun, discovers it’s stale*
*throws chip clip across room*
“You had one job”!
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Ratatouille (2007) – A terrible chef knowingly allows a rat infestation in his employer’s kitchen to distract from his gross incompetence.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
My wife is:
1) Am amazing mom and a great friend
2) Still the most beautiful girl I’ve ever been with
3) Now following me on Twitter
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Kylo Ren: I will finish what you started
Me (running relay race): dude just take the baton
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
YOGI BEAR: Hahaha, I just stole their pic-a-nic baskets!
RANGER SMITH: You murdered 7 campers.
YOGI BEAR: *Exasperatedly* …To get their pic-a-nic baskets.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
Me: *flirts*
Anyone watching:
Alien Leader: “Your species is too dumb and sad to take over. We’re just gonna leave.”
Me: “More like alie-outs.”
Alien Leader: “On second thought…”
*zaps me dead with lasers*
Whole world: “That’s fine, no hard feelings.”
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
When you open your heart to someone, there is blood. Lots and lots of blood. And then you die. So don’t open your heart.
I’m from a generation that wouldn’t dare tell an adult that we were bored.
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
Just by looking into someone’s eyes, you can tell if they have eyes