Until ChatGPT learns to say, “you promised me that chapter a month ago,” it will never replace editors
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Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
[meeting at round table]
“King Arthur, if I may?”
“Go ahead.”
“Castles but bouncier.”
“Bouncy castles?”
“But you gotta take your shoes off.”
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
Me: I’m 29, I’m not that old! I have my whole life ahead of me.
Me around a 20 year old: I am the grim spectre of death. I have seen empires rise and fall like the endless shifting dunes. Time has no meaning.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
Dress for the job you want to sleep at
Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
Guacamole is my favorite food that looks like someone already ate it.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[job interview]
“Tell me a weakness.”
I never finish what I start.
“Care to elaborate?”
*grabbing my stuff* Nah, I gotta get going.
my mom: you still coming over today?
me: definitely
mom: great I have a few things from IKEA for you to put tog—
me: i cant make it
Did give Husband a haircut after three cocktails, but he thinks it looks great because three cocktails.
I’ve worn bobby pins in my hair just in case I have to pick a lock and save the day. The only saving the day my bobby pins have done is clearing a clogged bong.
Self rising flour is just like regular flour except one time when it was dead for 3 days
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
*rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
Looking forward to the video call with my mother and having a hearty conversation with her magnified thumb
The moon landing was faked. They actually went to Mars, and I can prove it.
Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
When you’re attracted to someone and you don’t even know why, that’s called chemystery
,,,and send
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
How high do the levels go?
Ever have the shower curtain touch you unexpectedly and start karate chopping the air?? No, me either.