Gluten-free, low salt, no sugar all-natural whole grain bread?
The only thing “natural” about this product is the urge to get away from it.
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me: my friends:
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
the way this pissed me off… 😭
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
I’ve touched enough cacti to know they are sharp but also not enough to stop touching cacti.
My husband and I decided we don’t want to have children.
We will be telling them tonight.
HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
Married With Children is a hilarious sitcom until you’re 35 and realise it’s a chilling documentary.
Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
It’s adorable when you give someone an informed opinion that they completely dismiss and then someone else basically says the exact same thing and now it’s a brilliant idea they’ve never heard before.
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Cashier: You just have to tap your credit card.
Me: *cautiously taps*
Cashier: Not against my forehead.
doctor: I’ve written you a prescription here. Follow that and let’s check in next week. It should help with your symptoms but if it doesn’t we’ll know more.
chiropractor sprinting to double kick you in the neck: say goodbye to IBS
idk what this dog had been going through but same
There’s no real way to look tough trying to fight a swarm of bees off of you.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.
Welcome to Wednesday.
If you haven’t had a meltdown yet today, one will be assigned to you shortly.
Bonus points for tears, flinging feces, and swearing in Polish.
People will think you know what you’re talking about if you give your opinion while cleaning a pair of reading glasses.
Her: Whats that mouth do boo?
Me: Probably say something stupid.
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
*cooking dinner*
Omg this smells SO good. The kids are gonna hate it.