Building a public square in a city or town is plazable.
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Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
To the company that did an exhausting application and interview process for a job they did not choose me for,
I wish you the bes…eechingly WORST
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
My daughter is taking a bath and asking me to bring her Camping Barbie and every time I present a Barbie to her she says “No, CAMPING Barbie.” She is growing frustrated. I don’t know what to do. All of the Barbies are naked.
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
im not a morning person. in the morning i am a goat
Next time someone falls asleep next to me on a plane they are going to wake up to me holding their hand and lovingly gazing into their eyes asking “What are we???”
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
[having sex]
me: *finishing first* I win again!
wife: you really don’t
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
Her: OMG my feet are sooo cold, like ice!
Me: No, don’t put them on m-… gahhh!Repeat until I die, she assures me it was in the wedding vows.
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
[during sex]
Can you please take your Fitbit off.
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Inflation is out of control. Bought a picture today for 1400 words.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
You’re psychiatrist’s opinion about your social media habits don’t count if he has less followers than you.
How much for the giant, walk-in medicine cabinet?
“Sir, this is a liquor store.”
Grocery store puns? Aisle allow it.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away
My car broke down today. It confessed to a series of hit-and-run murders back in 2006.