Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
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People I live with are hiding my shit. The two most effective hiding places to date:
1) out in the open
2) where I last left it
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
hate when the barista asks “do you want whipped cream?” it feels there are only two answers: “yes please, i’m fat.” or “no thanks, i’m fat.”
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
When I see a piece of gum in the urinal, I think of how painful that piss must’ve been for that guy.
me: sord
English: sword
me: why
English: because i like it lol
me: that’s not a good anser
English: oh boy ur not gonna be happy about this
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
My 9-year-old drew her dream bedroom for an assignment at school. I asked her to show me so I could see if there were any simple upgrades I could do. She had my attention at the skydiving zone but lost me at the built-in McDonald’s.
On second thought, it was probably a bad idea to start my freestyle rap with “I like oranges.”
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Being distracted for the entirety of the Zoom call if your own hair happens to look particularly nice today.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
[rubs lamp]
[genie appears]
genie: you have three—
me: incredible! i can’t believe my luck!
genie: seconds
me: what
genie: two
me: until what
genie (pulling out a gun): one
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
ME AT AGE 6: I am 6 and three-quarters as of tomorrow!
ME YESTERDAY: I am…I wanna say 32? Wait what year is it?